


Charlie Bangs a Bird

by newlolly



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Accidental Sex, Accidental Voyeurism, Caught, F/M, Slow Burn, Voyeurism, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:55:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27105325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newlolly/pseuds/newlolly
Summary: Frank is more interested in the silver hatchback parked out front the bar. The smoky windows, and the obvious back and forth motion of a physical encounter have gotten him riled up. He wonders what the mystery lady inside could be, when he sees a big foot press up against the window.Huge foot. Size 13. He shutters.“Eh, It’s probably two men.”
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dee Reynolds, Charlie Kelly/Dee Reynolds
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Charlie Bangs a Bird

**“Charlie Bangs a Bird”**

7:45 PM

Philly, PA.

The car moves back in forth, swaying from the motion inside the car. Charlie is cramped inside, hunched over, slamming into Dee doggy-style. Dee is cramped up with her own long legs, attempting to keep both her awfully big feet and lanky legs apart, as Charlie pounces on her with every inch of him.

He breathes heavy, happy to engage in actual consensual sex with Dee. The woman has always been attractive, and he appreciates her swan-like nature, followed by her overwhelming sailor’s mouth.

“Cocksucker, rail me harder,” she pants, moaning, as Charlie grabs a fistful of hair.

Charlie loves birds, and he loves how Dee’s hair resembles the same shade of blonde as a bird’s nest. He pulls her hair harder, and the car proceeds to move vigorously back and forth.

Charlie is not sure how they managed to escalate their desires, but he’s positive he’s enjoying every ounce of Dee. He feels the beer buzzing through his brain, as the world blurs together. The sky is silver tonight, just like the paint he huffed prior to this encounter.

Dee moans louder, and he thinks it sounds sort of like a squawk, so he stifles a giggle. Charlie loves birds. He loves the chirps they make when the alley cat’s bite into them. He slows for a second, wondering when he will get to see Sweet Dee’s beautiful face again.

“Bird.”

“God dammit Charlie, don’t call me that when we’re having sex!”

He nods. “I want to see your face.”

“Why?” Dee huffs, awkwardly clambering into a new position.

“You...” Charlie pauses, his mind blank as he stares at Dee’s gorgeous eyes. “You you know why.”

She grabs his face and Charlie obliges, melting into her kiss. He feels her tongue smash against his teeth, and he lets her in. She is aggressive, and crude, and quite frankly sucks at sex, and Charlie Fucking Kelly loves every minute of it.

He moans deeply. “- love you.”

“I know,” Sweet Dee says, her voice hot and bothered.

Frank is minding his business as he returns to the bar. He was disappointed by Charlie’s disappearance, and the emptiness of his shabby apartment. Having no idea what his younger friend was up too- he was hoping the rest of the idiots could give him some entertainment. He takes his merry time walking, a beer in one hand, with half of it spilled down the front of his shirt, and a melon in the other.

Frank’s appearance is the last thing on his mind. Instead, he is more interested in the silver hatchback parked out front the bar. The smoky windows, and the obvious back and forth motion of a physical encounter have gotten him riled up. He wonders what the mystery lady inside could be, when he sees a big foot press up against the window.

Huge foot. Size 13. He shutters.

“Eh, It’s probably two men.”

He pauses again, thinking about how to address the situation, when he opens the door to the bar and pops inside.

“You seen this big footed broad getting laid?”

Dennis stops mid-sentence to respond. “No Frank, nobody wants to watch porn with you. Go bother Charlie.”

“I don’t have to watch porn,” Frank chuckles, looking at the melon. “It’s literally right out front in that car.”

“What!?!” Mac nearly jumps out of his chair in enthusiasm. “Nobody has sex on this security officers watched! I’ve got to assess the situation.”

“That cars rocking pretty hard.”

“This is insane! No woman should be providing indecent exposure in front of my bar.”

“It’s not your bar and can we please” Dennis interrupts.

“It might be two men, those were some pretty big feet.” Frank shutters. “It might interest you twinks.”

“God-dammit Frank,” Mac yells, his anger obviously torn between the offenders and Frank’s homophobic comments. Frank loved getting Mac riled up.

“Who cares?” Dennis shouts, over the two. “It’s just some shady people having sex in a shady area.”

“Dennis,” Mac asserts, “not in front of my bar on MY watch.”

“You aren’t a security officer.”

“I have to assess the situation.”

Frank looks eagerly at his melon, torn between belittling a member of the gang and his own eager affairs of locking it away safely. He sets the melon the counter and follows the two pompous men back towards the door.

“This is absurd,” Dennis says, opening the door has the men pile out. “We really care about this.”

Mac immediately locks eyes with the car. “We’ve located the perpetrators.”

“Look at those feet,” Frank says, staring at the large foot, the only thing visible in the clouded car window.

“Oh god,” Dennis scoffs, “That’s Dee’s new car. Oh god, I’m gonna be sick.”

“Deandra’s got some big feet,” Frank says, stepping back from the curb..

“We’ve got to stop them Dennis, Dee can’t just...”

“-I’m not looking into that god damn car Mac!”

“Do you think there’s a guy in there?”

Dennis rolls his eyes. “Stop this please!”

“I’ve got you Dennis, as the security officer!”

Mac raises his fist and bangs against the car window. The car stops jolting back and forth, the foot moving from the window.

Nothing.

“Knock again,” Frank yells. “I wanna know who’d bang the bird out in plain sight.”

Dennis cackles as Mac knocks again.

“Somebody’s knocking Charlie,” Dee whisper pleas, anxiety taking over in her god damn manic head.

“I know! okay?” Charlie yells. He’s gone limp in his drunken, interrupted state. He lays low on Dee.

“What if it’s the cops?” Dee whispers to him.

“Don’t we own like, this part of the street?”

“No Charlie, we only own the bar!” Dee whisper-yells.

“and that doesn’t come with the street?”

“You are so lucky your cute,” Dee groans back into him. She is hoping the cop, or the gangsta, or homeless person has passed, when the knocking returns.

“We gotta get out Dee”

“Charlie, we’re naked.”

“I’ll throw on some underwear somebodies gotta get out.”

“We can wait.”

“I’m getting hot, it’s hot in here, and I need a beer, and we can’t breathe, and IM NOT GOING TO JAIL Dee!”

Dee sighs, it’s useless arguing with Charlie when he’s stressed and believes he’s right. She nods sullenly, reaching for his boxers on the car floor and passing them to him. He shifts awkwardly again, on top of her, attempting to put them back on. The knocking continues, and Dee attempts to untangle herself from her cute friend.

Charlie throws the car door open just as Dee’s gotten her top back on, stepping out of the car, clearly intoxicated.

“Look officer, I was just...”

“CHARLIE?”

Dee curses under her breath as she hears Mac’s appalled expression and the laughter erupting from Frank and Dennis.

“Oh my god, you fucked a bird!” Dennis erupts cynically, laughing.

“Bird fucker, bird fucker.”

“Shut the hell up just shut the fuck up god dammit,” Dee screeches.

“BIRD FUCKER.”

The gang has migrated back inside Paddy’s at the counter, where Dee is downing shots from behind the counter with cheeks crimson red.

“I like banging birds, okay,” Charlie yells back, his hands in the air. Dennis like when Charlie surrenders in such a way, and he’s hoping the jokes will end.

“You are telling me you like banging Dee?” Mac asks, genuinely curious, a slight disappointed tone appearing from the lack of gay sex occurring outside the bar.

“Yes okay I like banging Birds even if their awkward and gangly- like swans!”

“I like fucking melons!” Frank responds.

“No, nobody needs to hear that,” Dennis shouts, turning his attention away from Frank’s disgusting intrusion. “Say that again?”

Dennis angles his face directly at Charlie, his eyes asserting domination. He watches as Charlie shivers where he stands.

“I like banging birds!!!” Charlie announces, happily.

“I like banging dudes!!” Mac cheers, high-fiving Charlie.

“We already know that,” Frank responds.

“This conversation is disgusting. We’re changing the topic. Nobody likes fucking big-footed birds.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know a lot of people are against this couple because of Time's Up, but I really really enjoy them. I hate the fact that they added molestation as a new depth to these characters, and really hope Dee and Charlie are able to recreate the bond in maybe next (and final) season.


End file.
